all I ever think about is getting fat, or how much I eat.
I've lost about 36 pounds in the past three or four months.
and everyone says i look "great", and I think that yeah,
I look pretty good. I'm just soo fucking terrified that I'm gonna
gain all the weight back, or that I've already started. my mother
thinks I have an eating disorder, but i swear to her that I don't,
mostly because eating disorder, to me, says SKINNY. I don't feel
skinny. smaller, yes. skinny,no. not so much.

I'm going out of my mind worrying about whether or not i'm eating
too much. And in a sick way I'd rather have an eating disorder
and be way too skinny than be fat. But then again, constantly obsessing
about food and my weight hasn't been going too well as of late.
it does keep my weight down most of the time, but I'm still so
fucking worried, and that's making me fucking miserable. I don't know
what the hell I'm supposed to do. I'm freaking the fuck out.

ugh.

I think way too much about sex. I'm like a thirteen year old boy..
and it's pretty ridculous. I went to a running camp for six
days. a lot of our cross country team goes every year and it's really
fun. there are more girls than guys, so mostly just the fast guys
go..and I couldn't stop thinking about one of them in particular.

I won't say his name, but I will say that he is gorgeous.
hot isn't a strong enough word. He's two years older than me,
so he'll be a senior this year, and I've always thought he was
hot, but I never REALLY noticed it until this week.
it was like, every time I looked at him, I got dizzy and hot..
I think he might have given me a fever, no joke.
One of the girls I was sharing a suite with had been playing
"Kiwi" by Maroon 5, and it's one of the kinkiest songs I've ever
heard. basically, kiwi is a euphemism for a particular female
organ (i.e "sweet kiwi, your juices dripping down my chin"). and
every time I heard it, I thought about this guy.

so anyway, I've had multiple fantasies and imaginings of
what I would just LOVE to do with/to this guy, and I don't
think he even knows I like him. he is really sweet though.
I've only had a few conversations with him, but he's really
funny. I doubt I'll ever actually get anywhere with him, because
he's the type of guy that everyone likes. I mean..I've hugged him,
that's it. haha. it's weird, but when he touched me, my whole
body was about 50 degrees hotter than normal, and I'm pretty
sure I had goose-bumps.

lust is an odd, odd thing...

okay so, I'm officially over and done with people not liking me. people are going to like me, and I'm going to get over this "honesty" kick I've been on.

I have to face the cold hard truth. Being honest about things, about who I am isn't always going to work. Like, 73 percent of the time...it won't. So I'm over it. People are petty and judgemental, and if I have to be fake, then..

I guess that's what it takes. Ugh, I'm already torn.

I was up until 2:30 in the AM listening to the radio. I almost never listen to the radio, even though my alarm clock is a radio/ipod charger and speaker set. Usually I just listen to my iPod, but I got sick of hearing the same old 766 songs, so I turned the radio onto the local alt-rock station.

They actually played a lot of good music, in my opinion: Puddle of Mudd, Nirvana, Tool, Pink Floyd, Smashing Pumpkins, even Green Day (yeah, I know, dorky, but I'm a huge Green Day fan).

Anyway, I got to thinking about how many things in life I don't pay attention to, even something as simple as the music on the radio. It's funny how important we think our lives are, and how wrapped up in our own selves we get.

People get so caught up in making things good, better, and right, and the things that go wrong, that we never notice that life is generally good, and that if we deal with things the right way, everything is OK.

I've been in love. But recently, I've been out of love. I want someone who is willing to follow me into the dark, who will stick around for bad times, as well as good times.

I used to think I couldn't be loved because I'm fat. I'm 5 ft 5, and about 142 pounds. I'm a runner, so I'm really muscular, but I've got boobs, and am kinda...bootylicious, to say the least. I still think I'm ugly, and whatnot, but maybe I'm just not a good enough person to have someone love me.

I don't know what it is.

there's seriously something wrong with me.


ugh.

so, here's the story:

I'm getting a nosejob on tuesday. It's exciting. It sounds rediculously shallow, but it's one simple surgery...it doesn't make me a bad person, or completely superficial. A lot of people look at plastic surgery as this terrible thing that only hurts people and is addictive. And sure, it can be harmful, and some people take it too far, but if you can fix something you don't like about yourself, why not do it?

It's like dieting: if you think you weigh too much, lose some of it. Yes, it can be dangerous, and yes, some people take it too far and it can become a problem, but it can actually be helpful, and make people, as long as they go about it in the right way, healthier and more confident.

I've had several friends tell me I shouldn't go through with the surgery, but I'm going to do what makes me happy, and this will make me happy, so why not do it?

I like musing. It feeds my ego to think that I'm this deep, philosophical person. Maybe it's the sex I have, or the books I read, movies I see, or maybe it's just how naïve I really am, but I feel like I sometimes look at things in such a jaded way, that I don't notice any of its endearing qualities. So let's go over what it could be:

1.) It's probably the sex because: I don't know if I believe in a thing called love. I mean, I know that love is everywhere. Mothers love their children (well, most of them anyway), lovers love their lovers (most of the time), people love their pets. But did you notice that 2 out of 3 of those examples have "what it" scenarios? There are mothers who don't want their babies, lovers, who are nothing more than selfish fuckers. They only "love" to come. See? I'm totally jaded.

2.) It could be the books I read because: I doubt I have faith in man-kind. There are so many stories about people doing these terrible things to one another. It's like the hypocrisy, the hurt just never ends.

3.) It's possibly my own naïvety because: I just haven't seen all the good in the world. The small sliver or eternal optimist in me wants to believe this...wants to believe that yes there is love out there, and yes, there are truly good people. But, are there?

Predetermined. It's my new favorite word. This indie-ish guy in metropark used it to describe his hair..it was fucking adorable.

I've decided I should make more things in my life predetermined, because I'm pretty much too spontaneous. I'm not quite sure why I hate thinking before I act, but I know I always have.

So from now on...I'm actually going to think about the decisions I make, and the words I say. This'll be interesting.
P.S there's no way I'm not going to be spontaneous and interesting. then I just wouldn't be me.

the title of this entry sounds really kinky..but "oral pleasure" is just the name of this chocolate candy bar I want..haha.

today was good. I went shopping, and got pants that make my butt look amazing. I'm pretty sure that I'm a shopaholic. when I'm out of college, I'll probably be one of those women with 100+ trashbags with clothes that still have price tags on them piling up all over an undecorated appartment.

I have finals all next week, and I don't want to even think about taking a test. Studying makes my brain hurt, and if I get lower than a B, I'm grounded all summer. So I probably shouldn't even be online right now, which I why I'm about to log out.

This wasn't a very insightful entry. I apologize to my friends who enjoy reading about my rants, raves, paranoia, ect.

much love,
emberr

I want to be perfect.

like, skinny.
and pretty.
and smarter.
and just..
better.

I mean, obviously everyone would like to be perfect. but I'm so screwed up, I'd just like a slight improvement.

Ugh.

life is exhausting.

I am mentally tired. I'm not even sure why. it's weird. I feel like I'm sleep walking through everything. I'll be walking down the halls of my school, and it's almost like, I can't even see anything. I'm in this weird fog, and I can't get out of it.

I have a panic disorder, and I know they can cause problems with depersonalization, and that would explain my zoning out.

Hmm.
I don't even know.

advice?
anyone?

have you ever noticed how, in every group of friends, there's always a friend that nobody likes? if you haven't, then you probably are that person. anyway, I think I'm starting to become that friend.

see, at the beginning of this school year, I sort of fell in with a group of friends that had already been friends for a while. I was kind of like..an add on. I mean, at first, no one treated me like that, but now its like I'm this afterthought. and it makes me feel awful, because I actually really value the friends that I have, but they pretty much just..don't give a damn about me.

I need a box of shop objects.

I should be a philosopher. I really should.

okay, so here's the story: every time I want something, I just can't get it. and the more I want it, the more out of reach it becomes.

But if I just..forget about something. it kind of just comes my way. It's crazy. Kind of like me..

Haha.

Starting over is...interesting to do.
So my formerly so-called, reinstated actual friend and I had this huge fight over the phone, and her phone died. I wasn't quite sure whether she hung up or if it died. So I freaked..

I threw things, cried, slammed doors..I don't even know. I have a panic disorder, so it's not like this is new for me. But dear God. I almost scared myself a little.

Almost.

Sometimes I just don't know where I'm going.

I was recently told my girlfriend is cheating on me, and I'm fighting with someone I used to think I was best friends with. I'm almost questioning whether this so-called friend gives a damn about me. She's so fucking heartless. Its like I don't matter.

She says she's trying to be a better friend. But I have this feeling that everything is just going to stay the same. I want it to change, and I want to be friends with her, but my sanity is sort of dwindling because of this whole situation.

I just want this pain to end right now.

Alright, so, normally I only post here when I'm having a mental break down..which is normally every other day. But the weird thing is that, recently, everything is going great. My grades are good, my parents aren't getting on my nerves as much, I've lost weight, and now I have a new girlfriend.
I mean, I'm definitely NOT complaining about any of it. I'm actually really happy. But I just feel like something bad is just bound to happen. Is that normal or am I just being super fucking paranoid?

I hate you. Everything about you. There is nothing about you I like, have ever liked. But the funny thing is, I still kind of need you, and I still kind of miss you. Okay, I really miss you. I buried myself alive on the inside just to get away from you, but I want you back. I tried running from you, and becoming someone else. But I want you back. Everything I do is only to impress you. I'll compromise any ethics or beliefs I've ever had, just for the slim chance of making you happy. But I know I never will. I don't think anyone ever will. No matter what I do, no matter what anyone does, you're always so fucking unhappy. It's rare to see you smile. But I pretend I don't care, that I've shut you out and you just don't matter. I wish you didn't. I made it my goal to make it seem like you didn't, make you think I didn't care. But I couldn't even do that. It seems like when I try to come off as uncaring, I just seem bitchier than usual. But it's not like you know any of this. You're think we're friends, plain and simple. But it's not, because I'm still angry, because I never got my way, never had a chance to. I still need you here with me, but you're gone. You're so far gone. You've trapped yourself in your own ignorance.

But you know what?

Maybe it's better you've trapped yourself in your own way...

It sounds stupid, but I actually would like to be sane, and like, emotionally healthy. Physically healthy too, so I tried to stop cutting, and drinking so much. Liquor's all empty calories anyway. But again, I fail. So I drank like, some shots and I don't know what else, but I'm still semi-coherrent, and I can type, so I guess that's a plus. Anyway, I feel better. I almost don't hate the entire human race anymore.

UGH! i hate people.
that's all i have to say.
not one person in particular
just the entire human race..


if you didn't already notice, i'm in a terrible mood, so if you dare to comment..you've been warned.

I'm pretty sure I'm losing my mind. I should probably be locked up. This is really nothing new, but I think I love someone that I seriously CAN'T love. Like, I'm not supposed to anyway. We have a history, to say the least, and they mean the world to me. I make it so ridiculously obvious that I love them, I'm pretty sure there's no way they don't know. Oh and the only reason I keep saying "they/them" is because I'm bisexual and would rather not disclose this person's identity and saying him/her would irritate me after a while. Anyway, I love them. Truly. Madly. Deeply. Love. But I know they can't love me back, and I still want to tell them. How will I break the news to them?